No jokes about rusty portholes. Seriously.
Taking a jiggermast up the lubber’s hole – it can’t be done. Why? Because the hole is too small, and the mast too large. Plus, there’s just no need for it.
This is because a ‘jiggermast’ is not a penis, as you may have surmised. Nor is a ‘lubber’s hole’ any orifice of the human body. No, these are just two of many, many nautical terms that happen to sound risqué when combined in a sentence.
A jiggermast is in fact the correct name for a mast on a tall ship, specifically the one closest to the rear. As you see, avoiding innuendo is almost impossible when it comes to the outpourings of seamen. And to set the record straight, a lubber’s hole is an opening that allows smooth entry and exit from the bottom. Of the crow’s nest.
There are endless permutations of the ‘taking a (something) up the (something)’ format that are suggested by nautical terms. It’s almost too easy. Taking a banyan up the nipper. Taking a monkey’s fist up the cunt splice. All real nautical terms, fully verifiable on good old Wikipedia.
But we’re all about creativity on the Pithy Soapbox, so let’s mix things up.
How about watching a cockswain pitchpole the gunner’s daughter? Possibly quite exciting, but not in the way you imagine – this would involve an incompetent helmsman causing cannons to fall overboard as a ship capsizes.
Perhaps you’d like to see Mae West garbling the midshipman’s nuts? Really? You' want to see a floatation device mixing waste, cargo, and a crushed biscuit dessert? Fair enough.
If this foolish exercise proves anything, it’s that we’ve all got filthy minds, and love a cheap laugh. Don’t even get me started on cockpit and poopdeck.
We should all be ashamed of ourselves.
Do you have any more hilarious innuendos with perfectly innocent explanations? Have you ever taken a banyan up the nipper? Click the ‘comments’ button below, or e-mail pithytitle@live.co.uk
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